It was the usual trip to Birmingham City to watch the Robins get there usual stuffing, and every time we went there no matter what time of year it always pissing snowed we lost four nil nearly got our heads smacked , my mate Brian went to the toilet and three of the blues morons pissed on him and all he could do was say thank you and squelch off into the freezing air with a plume of steam coming off his trousers, Bloody Birmingham. Any way we drove towards home a bit and then found a pub to drown our sorrows , it was good to get out of the car with that smell of drying piss in the air, and all the time the landlord saying what’s that honk, is that you as he kicked the cat out of the door. Then it was pile in the car again and away home. On the journey we had the misfortune to knock down a Pheasant we stopped and went back to inspect the corpse. One of the chaps said is he dead well if he ain’t he’s a bloody good actor, oh shut up pissy kacks. And there we stood in a line pissing in the hedge and deciding what to do with the corpse. A bright spark said I know what we’ll take him back to our local and give him to old butch and he can have him for dinner right! and with that in the boot the poor unsuspecting bird went at least he did not have to endure old pissy trousers smelling .Back at our pub we dragged old butch to see his tomorrow’s dinner, and the boot opened with a shower of dust and feathers the poor bugger was not dead but just concussed which is what we were as well with the beer There we were stood around again having another piss in the hedge deciding what to do again with Old butch with flapping bird in hand. Let’s let him go, not bloody likely i gave you fifty pence for the bugger he said , and proceeded to pull the birds neck and there was a almighty crack and a shot of shit shot out of the birds ass, and you guessed it all over Brian’s pissy trousers, which finished the day with a bloody good laugh. Bloody Birmingham.

These events actually happened but not necessary on the same trip. I wrote it as a monologue for my daughter to perform as part of her performing arts course at Bath university.